AWOL: My Struggles with Life Continues!

So I haven't really been writing on my blog for a long while, I am at a point in my life where I had enough of the judgement from people in my life about how I act in situations. Which I am still struggling with now a lot. I am going to be writing a lot about my personal demons and fears on here as my own personal therapy hoping maybe it will help release my negative thoughts, as I know my blog is called Sophie Claire Beauty I will attempt a beauty post after this one depending on how I am emotionally feeling.

My anxiety is causing so many problems for me at this point still, from personal issues with the people I care about most of all, my work situation as I have been off sick for almost 3 weeks due to a kidney infection which may turn out to be something more (will have to wait and see what happens with this in the near future) but I now find I have a lot of anxiety at the thought of returning to work nothing to do with my colleagues or the work itself as I love my job colleagues they are all great in their own special ways. It's just due to the fact I have been off for so long, this little voice in my head just keeps saying all this silly things e.g. Judgemental thought about me being off, thinking I haven't actually been ill. Which I know many of you may think it's silly while others will understand exactly where I am coming from. I am now beginning to realise where my anxiety/insecurities are holding me back so much in life.  

This time last year I was about of start a 6 week course of counselling with a charity based in Bristol called OfftheRecord, which at the beginning I was extremely anxious and unsure about as I normally hold everything back for anyone I know and just let the thought be put to the back of my mind as I personally think I don't want to force or push my problems onto anyone else as when you get older you soon realise many people are dealing/fighting their own personal demons. I have now realised I can't keep holding all this inside myself as it will get to me twice of much as I am now finding myself crying which I think is for no reason but in the back of my mind it's because of all that I am holding back. While I was at my counselling I soon began to realise I have many issues that I hadn't began to realise were effecting me so much, family, friends, old school related issues, work related issues. The counselling I found helped in one respect to get certain things off my chest which I haven't spoken about with anyone at all while in other ways I found it made things twice as worse as I found I was struggling with a lot more than I was wanting to admit to myself let alone someone I didn't even know. Which I won't be going into detail now but maybe do a post on each in the near future. 

Lately due to my kidney infection I am finding I am anxious about my work life being completely different, my health getting worse or even becoming sick again, my personal life is struggling a lot at the moment with issues with my boyfriends, loss of a friend, losing touch with other friends, struggling to open up and speak to family members. Which is causing me to feel very alone and lost. I am currently using the app called Calm to help me sleep and to also help me when I am feeling extremely anxious to the point of almost having a panic attack. 

If anyone can give me any tips or pointers that they have used to help the emotional stability that would be great.

Much Love

Sophie Claire <3 

How Anxiety Effects Me and How I Feel Currently

Time to be really honest, this is going to be one of the hardest things I have written........ I have anxiety, yes I know mental illness is very taboo but I have been TRYING to deal with it for years with counselling, trying to speak about how I am feeling honestly with the people I am closest to, speaking to others about their experiences and reading self help books. Honestly nothing can can truly help as I am starting to learn as I hate it when you try to explain how you feel and people are trying to help excuses for you e.g. your just quiet, your just shy, just need to come out of your shell a bit more. 

Well no anxiety for me is when I'm to the point of panic and being almost in tears, uncontrollable shaking, heart racing, sometimes even struggling to breathe at just the thought of getting on a busy bus, going out for drink with friends, trying to start and keep a conversation going, meeting new people and even sometimes just walking down the street. The worst part is when the people closest to you don't understand or even try to understand and when people who have no clue what you are like or what you have been through to get to this point as they think because your quiet you hate them or are stuck up! 

Mental Heath/Illness is never considered when meeting someone new, people need to learn/think about how someone might be feeling on the inside while trying to put on a brace face because from my personal experience it's all about trying to be strong and maybe putting up a wall so I don't get hurt more than I already am. People may think this is all for attention but really it is I have got to a point where I just need to be open otherwise people will never get to see the real me as I don't show the real me to many not even my FAMILY as maybe I am scared or ashamed I have let them down in some way, which I know really deep down might sound silly but I just cant help the way I feel or think about things. I am always wanting to help/support and even be someone I know I cant really be to make others feel better and for the family to be happy. 

I'm learning I need to think of myself a bit more but its become a habit for me to think more of others than myself which I have people tell me its not healthy. Honestly I would love to not have to work, leave my house, sometimes even talk to people but I know I need to as i wont be living properly and wont feel any better Not even sure if this is making sense any more or if people even have read to this point but just needed to get this off my chest as it were as just struggling to cope right now,so time to sign off now.

Much Love 

SophieClaire <3