Time to be really honest, this is going to be one of the hardest things I have written........ I have anxiety, yes I know mental illness is very taboo but I have been TRYING to deal with it for years with counselling, trying to speak about how I am feeling honestly with the people I am closest to, speaking to others about their experiences and reading self help books. Honestly nothing can can truly help as I am starting to learn as I hate it when you try to explain how you feel and people are trying to help excuses for you e.g. your just quiet, your just shy, just need to come out of your shell a bit more.
Well no anxiety for me is when I'm to the point of panic and being almost in tears, uncontrollable shaking, heart racing, sometimes even struggling to breathe at just the thought of getting on a busy bus, going out for drink with friends, trying to start and keep a conversation going, meeting new people and even sometimes just walking down the street. The worst part is when the people closest to you don't understand or even try to understand and when people who have no clue what you are like or what you have been through to get to this point as they think because your quiet you hate them or are stuck up!
Mental Heath/Illness is never considered when meeting someone new, people need to learn/think about how someone might be feeling on the inside while trying to put on a brace face because from my personal experience it's all about trying to be strong and maybe putting up a wall so I don't get hurt more than I already am. People may think this is all for attention but really it is I have got to a point where I just need to be open otherwise people will never get to see the real me as I don't show the real me to many not even my FAMILY as maybe I am scared or ashamed I have let them down in some way, which I know really deep down might sound silly but I just cant help the way I feel or think about things. I am always wanting to help/support and even be someone I know I cant really be to make others feel better and for the family to be happy.
I'm learning I need to think of myself a bit more but its become a habit for me to think more of others than myself which I have people tell me its not healthy. Honestly I would love to not have to work, leave my house, sometimes even talk to people but I know I need to as i wont be living properly and wont feel any better Not even sure if this is making sense any more or if people even have read to this point but just needed to get this off my chest as it were as just struggling to cope right now,so time to sign off now.
Much Love
SophieClaire <3
